Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts

Peace is Love


"We all long for peace. Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict, and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies."
—Quentin L. Cook, "Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness"

I have a big problem with loving people.


Not that I don't love them.


...It's hard to explain.


Okay. I love people in the way that I love animals and sunsets and brownies. When I think generally about people, my heart goes out to them. I think they are grand.


But when you get down beneath their skin, down to their scars and imperfections, when they really let you in to see who they are on the inside, it's hard. They're no longer an object to love, like a stuffed animal. They're a person, too, a thinking thing that gets hungry and angry and frustrated and misunderstands what you're trying to say. They are capable of hurting you. They can tell you lies. They can keep secrets.
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Bring Them Home


I've been awake for three hours, and have spent all three of those hours trying to think of something to write for all of you.

Since last night I've been having a hard time, full of doubt, fear, and insecurity. This isn't the first time during the past month and a half since receiving my mission call that I have felt this way, and certainly not the first time within the past year and a half, as I prepared to graduate from college and put in my mission papers, that I have felt alone and without worth.

Sometimes I see girls receiving calls to the places I used to dream about being called to and am filled with pained jealousy. Sometimes I read through my patriarchal blessing, looking for solace and direction, and only feel frustrated, as if my blessing were just a blank page.

Sometimes I think about serving a mission and wonder, "why bother?"

This is how I've been feeling.
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My Last Days


I wanted to write a blog post today, but couldn't think of what to write. Then I stumbled across this beautiful, heartbreaking video.

Meet Zach Sobiech. Zach was diagnosed with a terminal case of osteosarcoma, a rare bone disease. A few weeks ago on May 3, Zach's 18th birthday, this video was posted celebrating his life and he and his family's struggles with his illness.

Zach died today, but that's not why this video is so important. It's not just because I know how it feels to lose a family member, and my heart is aching for the Sobiechs. It's not because watching these goodbyes makes me cry.

It's kind of selfish, actually. It's because, when I was still seriously considering not going on a mission, I tried to think of all of the pros and cons to going.

And I thought about dying. I thought about how close my own death could be, without me even knowing it. I thought about the person I want to be when I leave this world, and how much further I have to go to become that person.

I don't want to live selfishly anymore. I want to leave this world a little brighter than I left it. I want to help others to be happy, just like Zach did. And the most lasting happiness that I can think of is the one that comes from the peace of the Gospel.

I think about families like the Sobiechs, mourning the earthly loss of their son, and I think about how much more it must hurt because they don't know that families can be together forever. They don't know that they have a loving Father in Heaven and a Savior who can help them through their grief. They don't have the support of ward members who will mourn with them and comfort them.

I think about all of the lost and hurting sheep of Christ's flock, and how much I want them to feel whole. How much I want them to be my brother or sister in the Gospel. How much I want them to feel the peace of the Atonement, which washes away their guilt, their sorrow, their shames and heartaches. How much I want them to feel like they truly belong somewhere, and are infinitely loved.

That is why I have answered the call to serve a mission. I want to love deeply and fully, to live uninhibited by my fear, and to share what I have and know with the people that I care about. I want to help. I want to serve. I don't want people to feel the sting of loss without the knowledge of eternal families to soothe it.

That's why I'm going to Carlsbad, California. That's why I will never stop trying to be better, to be more like Christ. He spent His very limited time on Earth surrounded by the weak, the hurting, the sick and the sinners. He spent His time loving them, even the ones who didn't love Him back. He stands by me in my weaknesses and my sins. He loves me when I reject Him, heals me when I hurt others and myself, and never, even for a second, believes that I am not good enough.

I want to be that. So this is my first step into the darkness.

Call it a leap of faith.

Call it daring to live up to my potential.

Call it continuing in Zach Sobiech's footsteps, and Christ's before his.

Whatever you call it, know that fear is not in the vocabulary. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."

What would you do if these days were your last?

(P.S. Please keep those in Moore, OK and the surrounding area in your prayers. They were hit by an F5 tornado earlier today and many are still missing or trapped in rubble.)
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What is an endowment?

I've been slacking, I know. Since I last wrote, I have:

-Graduated from college.
-Mailed in my acceptance letter and received a letter from my mission president.
-Talked to one of my best friends for the last time in the next 20 months right before she reported to the MTC. (She's there now. Reports to the California San Jose Mission, English speaking, soon!)
-Moved back home to NJ, for now.
-Got all of my immunizations. (Even the chicken pox, although I've already had the chicken pox...)
-Received my big girl temple recommend and permission to go to the temple! (That one happened just last night.)
-Done a lot of mission shopping.
-Had a terrible case of allergies that isn't quite gone yet.

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a graduation ceremony...
Lookin' rl gud in that cap and gown.

I've been trying to put together a mission outfits post, now that I'm finally getting all of my stuff together, but what with my being sick and all, I haven't been feeling very photogenic. Just know that that's on the way.

What I wanted to share with you today is some of the knowledge I gained while interviewing with my stake president last night about the nature of an endowment. He used an analogy that I really liked, and I wanted to share it with you guys, because I know that it was the first time I've ever had an endowment clearly explained to me.
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After

Except for Stake Conference today, I basically haven't been out of my room since I opened my mission call Friday afternoon.

Life is good. I've been pretty quiet on the blogosphere lately, which is in part because of my impending call. I couldn't really focus on anything else, or say anything different than what I've already said, but now I've had some time to let it sink in and I think I'm ready to talk about it.

I have been called to serve in the California Carlsbad Mission, English speaking. I leave June 19th. (Read the 'before' or watch me open my mission call)

I never would have guessed or picked any of these things for myself, which is part of the reason why I know that it is perfect for me. When I read the call, I didn't have any thoughts, positive or negative. Instead I was filled with emotion, most of it excitement and built-up anxiety, and that happiness that sometimes signals the presence of the Spirit. I was happy. I was assigned. I belonged somewhere.

It took a few hours for it to start to sink in, that I had finally, finally received my call.
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Easter

I know it's not Easter any more, but I still can't let the day pass by without saying something.

If you're like me, meaning poor and in college, the holidays are very different. I've been lucky enough to be able to go home for Christmas and Thanksgiving while I've been at school, but Easter has been all mine to do on my own.

One year a few friends and I went out to the countryside and had a picnic and drove around, falling in love with Virginia's rolling hills. This year, I went to church, ate a chicken burrito and a piece of a giant Reese's Easter egg, took an impromptu nap, then video chatted my family.

Compared to Easters past it wasn't very festive, but we all know that it's not the candy and the Easter eggs that matter.

It was a Fast Sunday in my ward today because of General Conference next week and Stake Conference the week following, and I wanted to bear my testimony but didn't.

I wish I had. Take it from me, the girl who can count the number of times she has bore testimony in sacrament meeting on one hand: never give up an opportunity to share your testimony. It's for your benefit more than it is for anyone else's, because by bearing your testimony you solidify it, you discover that you really do have faith and by sharing that, you strengthen it.

But since I didn't bear my testimony in sacrament meeting, I'd like to share it here, if that's okay.
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Finally

It's done.

As of Thursday night, my papers have been submitted to Salt Lake City and are awaiting assignment as I write this.

It seems so unreal.

In a few short days, I will have a destination for the next eighteen months of my life. I will know the place that will become my home, where I will expend all of my energy and all of my love serving the people.

In all honesty, this isn't the important part. Where you go should have little effect on how you go. The people in Tampa, Florida need the gospel and the Lord's love just as much as the people in Hong Kong or Frankfurt, Germany.

When I think about it, it's hard not to judge myself by the "coolness" of my mission, wherever that ends up being. Am I less of a missionary for being called to serve in Boise, Idaho? Is there something uncool about my personality that would keep me from being a good fit in Paris or Rio de Janeiro? Am I less intelligent because I was called to preach the gospel in my native tongue?

I wish I could say it a million time over.

No. No no no no no no no.
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"That We Might 'Not... Shrink'"

(Sorry, I think that the embedded video below is on autoplay! Hope your volume isn't on full blast like mine was.)

Being at home for spring break means that I forgot about a lot of things, including CES devotional broadcasts.

However, I kept thinking about this most recent address by Elder Bednar, and recognize it now as the Spirit prompting me to watch it. Today I finally got around to it.
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