He's the greatest of the great. Born in Louisiana. Approves of English majors. Wants the "straight dope" and missionaries that have "got it all going on." Always has time to help a sister out, even when he has 1 million other things on his agenda (like he always does).

And he's not afraid to tell you every once in a while that you're being a schmuck.

This week I have been the schmuckiest of schmucks. 

I won't lie to you. This has been the hardest, most exhausting and dreadful week and a half of my mission. It's my own fault. I had the major-est of breakdowns/breakthroughs last week. 

I guess I could use some euphemisms when talking about my struggles, like I sometimes do, but I think it's important to share the nitty-gritty, because that's what makes a mission what it is. My companion talk all the time about how fun missions look from pictures; and they are fun! You'll have more adventures than you've probably ever had. But they can also be the hardest ever; it's usually your own fault if it is.

Being a schmuck means not overcoming your difficulties, which is what I've been doing for about two weeks. After my breakdown/breakthrough, I met with President and told him about it. We talked about some things I could do. I left. And then I entered Schmuckville.

At first I was just tired from all of the overwhelming emotions I had been feeling. But after a while I started getting stubborn about not wanting to work at my full capacity. I felt like my problems hadn't been solved and a mission wasn't worth it any more. Classic schmuck behavior.

I met with President two or three more times. At our last meeting, he called my companion and I in and talked to us about Schmuckville and Victorville. Because life is hard, everyone. Sorry if you didn't know. You can either accept or deny that fact. If you deny it, you're on the fast track to depression (taking all the blame) or narcissism (blaming everyone else). If you accept it, life will still be hard. You have a choice when every difficulty approaches to accept and deny that fact. When you accept and you overcome, you're a victor. You win!

If you deny and don't get over that difficulty, you're a schmuck. You're too lazy/stubborn/weak-hearted/faithless to move past what was only meant to be another wall to climb to strengthen you, not a wall to bang your head against endlessly.

So take it from me, a reforming schmuck: it's not worth it. Overcome. Accept that life is hard. Take your challenges head-on.

But, schmuckiness aside, I've been improving this week. We're working and remembering to take pictures and having fun!

Thanks for your prayers. Whether I realized it or not, it's because of your prayers that I am where I am. Still here, still a missionary, still finding happiness. It might have been hard, but hey. Life is hard. That fact remains even when you're a missionary.

I love you! Stay safe, all of you that are actually getting something that resemble winter weather. California has leveled out at 75, it seems. :) I can't complain.

Love,

Sister B

Pictures:

1. Apparently New Jersey has gained some weight since I saw it last

2. A Boston shake from Peppertree Frosty: a milkshake with a sundae on top. Mine was chocolate cake with a marshmallow sundae. SO GOOD.

3. Yay!